I’m a Hoosier, an American, and a human. I happen to be gay. Support freedomindiana.org
But I never miss them.
I think about them sometimes but I never miss them. I just feel surprised that I ever allowed it to happen. Hate feels like such a strong emotion to carry on after it ended. Not to be a cliche’ but hate seems too easy. I have a hard time thinking of a single thing that ever brought us together but I could give you a top 10 list without any trouble about why I left, why they are the worst of the worst, why my heart was broken into a thousand pieces.
I gave him so many years. 4.5 years of dialogue and love. 4.5 years of trying to get him to have sex. 4.5 years of trying to make him smile. 4.5 years of attempting to understand why he did what he did and what I was doing wrong. But now, I feel ridiculous because the person that I see in the mirror now wouldn’t even get flustered with him. We would have had 2 maybe 3 dates and I wouldn’t have called him again. I wouldn’t have stayed around when I caught him in a lie. I wouldn’t have even started to elevate my voice for a single screaming match. I would have never been jealous of everyone that was more important than I was. I would have never be prone to so many things. I would have shrugged and done something more important like vacuum my floors or take out the trash.
But you know, I’ve tried recently to remember the love. To remember some single thread of genuine connection that held us together and I can’t find it. All I feel is my open arms and his cold gestures back to me, always pacifying me with some response to get me out of his way.
If you have a feeling that someone is a liar, it’s probably because they’re a fucking liar. And if you have a feeling that someone is holding out on you, it’s probably because they are fucking holding out on you. And if you think that there’s something worth saving because of some 1950’s doctrine about working things out, I suggest you love yourself enough to know that no one else can complete you and there is a massive world out there filled with people that will love you, look out for you, connect with you, not cheat on you, not destroy you, if you give them time and a chance to present themselves.
In the mean time, make yourself an empty canvas and repaint the life you want.
You are your master and YOU are your greatest enemy. Have a talk with yourself. Settle the score. Get to the bottom of it and find your life, find your love, find your moment.
Q:Hey. I just wanted to say that I find your blog really interesting and I'll be sure to follow to see where things go for you. You seem like a great example of someone trying ti live their life to the fullest.
Thank you! I’m glad I stumbled across yours as well. I like your writing. My guy is from Ohio, so much love to you! I appreciate the follow!
Sweet boys. Quite possibly the single greatest story I have heard for legal equality. It truly isn’t a punchline or a fad.
If I we’re to die tomorrow, my family would likely react similarly. Because my relationship is not legally protected in Indiana, I’ve had to take other measures to protect my significant other (if I were to die unexpectedly) not only from our government (that should be protecting me) but from my family (that should be embracing me.)
Q:Hey thank you for liking the post :) I appreciate it
No, Thank YOU! :D
Thankful for a boyfriend that knows.
Thank you to my boyfriend for being a fucking man. For not cowering away when he could. He moved to my city two years ago this summer and I am grateful for what he has reinforced in me. He doesn’t know how much he impacts me simply by doing things most might consider basic: he sticks around, he doesn’t fuck others, he doesn’t keep secrets, he doesn’t hold grudges, and he is honest with me. Our rare arguments are small and few. When we make love, I feel considerably complete and at a total loss for what I feel for him when we come together. I’m thankful for his laughter. I’m thankful for his voice when he acts silly. I’m thankful for his strong arms. I’m thankful for his soft skin and his perfect body. I’m thankful for his lips, his kiss. I’m thankful for his ability to trust me, to make me feel like a million bucks. He was with me when I was flux with cash and he was by me when I starved myself to chase my passions and he’ll be with me when we rule the fucking world. He knows I’ll never leave him for another guy and that my devotions are all for him. My friends love him and I’m so thankful to be with someone that adds to my life instead of takes away. Whether he is hyper or quiet, I find myself attracted to him, in his entirety. I’ve never been in a relationship before without losing myself. Although I am lost in Brian, he is not my fucked-up beating heart or my only breath. He is simply the greatest source of motivation to keep loving and moving forward, together, happily.
When Do We Start?
"There is no such thing as luck. Luck as we know it is when preparation meets opportunity." - Oprah Winfrey
"Don’t give up. Just keep going." This is what I tell myself. My heart to my mind. Quietly. Softly. Adamantly. Daily. Hourly. Who am I kidding? This is the mantra that I tell myself to get through each 5 minute cycle of my life lately.
I often feel too aware of my surroundings. I often feel too sensitive to the off-hand comments of those around me. I wonder what people are thinking about me. Worse, I care what those around me are thinking. Even worse, I know that caring is not going to help me move forward.
But when exactly do we start?
Do I start last week when the guy in Wal-Mart made a snide comment to my boyfriend and I because it was obvious we were in love?
Should I have started last night, at a dinner party, when the guy next to me talked for over 25 minutes without taking a breath, making my ears feel prisoner to his rambling voice?
Perhaps it was at 2am last night when someone told me that “The Secret” (which changed my life) was bullshit?
I can only be myself people. It’s a privilege to be alive and to share. Be kind.