But I never miss them.
I think about them sometimes but I never miss them. I just feel surprised that I ever allowed it to happen. Hate feels like such a strong emotion to carry on after it ended. Not to be a cliche’ but hate seems too easy. I have a hard time thinking of a single thing that ever brought us together but I could give you a top 10 list without any trouble about why I left, why they are the worst of the worst, why my heart was broken into a thousand pieces.
I gave him so many years. 4.5 years of dialogue and love. 4.5 years of trying to get him to have sex. 4.5 years of trying to make him smile. 4.5 years of attempting to understand why he did what he did and what I was doing wrong. But now, I feel ridiculous because the person that I see in the mirror now wouldn’t even get flustered with him. We would have had 2 maybe 3 dates and I wouldn’t have called him again. I wouldn’t have stayed around when I caught him in a lie. I wouldn’t have even started to elevate my voice for a single screaming match. I would have never been jealous of everyone that was more important than I was. I would have never be prone to so many things. I would have shrugged and done something more important like vacuum my floors or take out the trash.
But you know, I’ve tried recently to remember the love. To remember some single thread of genuine connection that held us together and I can’t find it. All I feel is my open arms and his cold gestures back to me, always pacifying me with some response to get me out of his way.
If you have a feeling that someone is a liar, it’s probably because they’re a fucking liar. And if you have a feeling that someone is holding out on you, it’s probably because they are fucking holding out on you. And if you think that there’s something worth saving because of some 1950’s doctrine about working things out, I suggest you love yourself enough to know that no one else can complete you and there is a massive world out there filled with people that will love you, look out for you, connect with you, not cheat on you, not destroy you, if you give them time and a chance to present themselves.
In the mean time, make yourself an empty canvas and repaint the life you want.
You are your master and YOU are your greatest enemy. Have a talk with yourself. Settle the score. Get to the bottom of it and find your life, find your love, find your moment.